I’m making real money on an OnlyFans – but my partner wants me to stop. I started posting during lockdown and it’s still bringing in solid income.
My partner knew at first and was supportive, but now he’s asking me to quit and says he’ll give me £800 every month if I stop, so I can pay my bills. I don’t know if I should stop just because he asked, and if I should accept the money?
Sabrina, Bolton
Vicky Reynal, money psychotherapist, replies: While this might appear at first glance to be a conflict about money or jealousy, what it actually reveals are deeper tensions around autonomy and control, personal boundaries and the values that shape your relationship.
It sounds like what is bothering you most is the idea of giving up your freedom to do something you enjoy – something that provides not only income, but also a sense of self-determination and agency.
This is a revenue stream you developed on your own terms, and that feels psychologically quite different from relying on money that comes from him.
It can feel quite affirming, or as some of my clients say, ‘I feel very adult’, when we generate a revenue stream that grants us independence and self-reliance.
The first step is to try and understand what might be going on beneath your partner’s request. While you are experiencing it as him being controlling, gaining a clearer sense of his reasons might allow for a more open and productive conversation – and may even shift how you feel.
It’s possible that when you started dating, the nature of your relationship was different: perhaps less emotionally intense or less committed.
He may have felt less vulnerable then, and more able to tolerate the idea of ‘sharing you’ with a wider audience, particularly in a way that seemed abstract or impersonal. But with time, as his attachment to you deepened, what once seemed edgy, or intriguing might now feel threatening or even painful.
In other words, what was cool or empowering now feels to him like a kind of betrayal – not necessarily because you’ve changed your behaviour, but because his emotional reality has changed.
You wouldn’t be the first couple to find yourselves navigating blurred lines around what counts as ‘fidelity.’ Different people draw that line in different places – and the boundaries can evolve.
Having an honest, non-accusatory conversation about where each of you locates those lines, and how they are shifting, could be crucial. If the roles were reversed, and you asked him not to kiss other women, would that automatically be controlling – or would it be a legitimate boundary expressing what you need in a committed relationship?
The same principle may apply here. He may not be trying to control you but rather attempting to articulate what he needs to feel secure and respected within the relationship.
The issue is further complicated by the financial aspect. He is not simply asking you to stop a behaviour – he’s asking you to relinquish a source of income.
To his credit, he has offered what he sees as a compromise: a monthly payment intended to offset that loss. Whether you choose to accept it, however, depends on more than just the number on the table.
Here are some questions you might ask yourself:
• How essential is this income to your current finances? If you do need the money to pay your bills, then it may be reasonable to consider his offer, at least temporarily, while you work to develop a new income stream that feels more aligned with your relationship.
• What would the money represent to you? Would it feel like a respectful gesture that softens the loss of your side business and allows you to transition more easily? Or would it leave you feeling financially dependent and emotionally diminished, as though you had surrendered something important to your sense of identity? Sometimes we must make compromises to stay in a relationship – but when a compromise begins to make us feel that we’ve given up too much of ourselves and aren’t accepted for who we are, then it’s crossed a line.
• You might also want to ask yourself whether this arrangement would feel like he is, in effect, paying for exclusive rights to your body and how that dynamic sits with you. Some might find it supportive, or even loving, while others might find it quietly transactional or pointing to a deeper imbalance. There is no universally right answer – only what is true for you.
The bottom line, both psychologically and financially, is that whatever you decide should come from a place of want, not because you feel you should.
Do you want to find a compromise with your partner because you value the relationship and want to honour each other’s evolving boundaries?
Do you want to accept financial support as part of a transitional period, while actively working to re-establish the financial independence that has served you well?
Or do you want to keep the income and the autonomy it represents, because you feel that this part of your life still aligns with who you are, even if that means that the relationship might be at risk?
Whatever path you choose, make sure it comes from a grounded, integrated place, having carefully considered pros and cons and not from fear, guilt, or pressure.
