Dear Vicky

I want to retire early, but my wife just won’t have it. She says it’s irresponsible as I’m only 48 and she thinks I’m too young. 

I’ve said we can afford to retire with our savings but she’s adamant that even if that were true, we should be working hard to support our three teenagers through university and help them get on the housing ladder. 

We only live once and I’ve said I don’t want to waste my years working like my father who then died of a heart attack at 62. M.Y.,via email

Vicky Reynal replies: Negotiating money differences is not easy but there are productive ways to have this conversation with your wife, which can deepen the relationship, as well as unproductive ways that will keep you stuck in endless conflict. 

What will keep you stuck is repeating the same points without really explaining or helping your wife understand why this matters so much to you.

If you keep telling your wife, ‘I want to retire early, we can afford it’, and she keeps repeating, ‘it’s irresponsible’, then you might be stuck in this disagreement for ever.

This is an emotional topic so get into the emotions that sit behind these statements and try to understand them and explain them to one another.

Have you tried to articulate in greater depth the reasons for wanting to retire?

I suspect there is a combination of factors. Your dad’s example has given you perspective on not delaying pleasure and enjoyment - but can you expand on that? 

Maybe you feel that you have already worked hard at the expense of other things (such as family time, relationship time, sports, holidays and hobbies) that you now want to enjoy.

Maybe you have lost a sense of purpose and meaning at work and now you want to look for it elsewhere.

Perhaps your own definition of ‘wealth’ isn’t just about amassing money but encompasses some of the things that money can enable, like early retirement and a chance to travel - things that you would be depriving yourself of if you were to keep working.

Help your wife see that for you, money represents freedom. For her, money represents a sense of security and duty. About the latter, have you expressed your views on providing financial support to your children?

Do you feel that you have enough money set aside to provide some form of financial support to them or is it that you don’t believe it’s helpful to children to rely on inheritance?

Parents differ on what they think is most helpful to their children - some believe that handouts are detrimental to the kids ’motivation and sense of purpose’. Help your wife understand where you stand on this and, most importantly, why.

But understanding her deeper reasons for linking money to security and duty is important too. She seems to value working hard and providing for the next generation. Do you know why this is? What examples did she have in her family?

Is it the case that she was not supported by her parents and wants to give her children a different experience? Or was it thanks to the support she received that she had a good start in life?

Clearly there is a discrepancy between the kind of parents she wants her children to have and the idea of early retirement.

If this is the case, maybe you can discuss the fact that providing your children with important financial lessons, knowledge and access to the right resources to manage their money might be more valuable than providing hard cash.

You don’t have to agree but you might be able to work towards a compromise. This is easier to do once you have understood each other’s perspectives in greater depth.

If she is anxious about the financial repercussions of early retirement, try to get into what her fear is. Are there scenarios you can run on the concrete numbers to offer her reassurance? 

She might be worried that you might go beyond not supporting the children financially but also become a burden to them if you were to fall ill for example and need care. Can you address these concerns with her?

The conversation about when exactly to retire is one that plays out in so many homes and people often don’t see eye to eye. But make sure that as a couple you are not polarising – with you idealising what retirement is (pure freedom and joy) and her holding all the anxieties and reservations (seeing it as a threat to financial security).

If you both begin to see the pros and cons of retirement then you will find the common ground in which a compromise might sit.

Perhaps semi-retirement, part-time work, or a phased transition could all be considered as you try to maximise each other’s pleasure while addressing fears and concerns in a good enough way.

• Do you have a question for Vicky? Email [email protected]