Sir Keir Starmer legged it from the Commons the moment he completed a mid-afternoon statement on his China visit. You never saw a potato move so fast. Speedy the Spud! The PM had no wish to wait for the next piece of business: a statement on Peter Mandelson and (darkest, deepest chords please, organist) Jeffrey Epstein.

Downing Street had earlier disowned Lord Mandelson. He had ‘brought the Lords into disrepute’. Is that possible? Can an unelected legislature of donors, democratic rejects, lawyers, social workers, Euro-loonies, and veiny-nosed warblers really drop lower in the nation’s esteem?

Maybe Peter’s real mistake was to make Sir K. Starmer look a fool. Darren Jones, the Cabinet fixer selected to hold the fort, began by saying Epstein’s victims ‘must be our first priority’. Come off it. The first priority was to protect the Prime Minister.

MPs greedily attacked the once most silken figure in our politics. Lord Mandelson had no defenders. Nor did he deserve any. The Persian cat’s corpse was torn apart by hounds.

Sir Julian Lewis (Con, New Forest E) had a different animal reference: John Prescott had once compared Mandelson to a scorpion. Could Mr Jones ‘explain the fatal fascination of Labour leader after Labour leader’ for this deadly creature? Andrew Murrison (Con, SW Wilts) said the specimen was actually a crab. Indeed. It was a Chinese mitten crab, an invasive species known for its hairy claws. Peter waxes the back of his hands, so the analogy was not perfect.

Andy McDonald (Lab, Middlesbrough), Simon Hoare (Con, N Dorset), Esther McVey (Con, Tatton) and others wanted a swift Bill to eject Mandelson from the Lords. Mr Jones burbled about stronger disciplinary powers for the Lords. Other peers – eg Lady Mone, formerly a Conservative – needed kicking out first. It couldn’t be done. ‘It can!’ said Ms McVey from her seat six times.

Mr Jones, 39 but looks younger thanks to a silly beardlet, turned pink. To his right sat Chris Ward, one of Sir Keir’s closest acolytes. He also looked to be overheating badly. He left well before the end, a portrait of car sickness.

At the far end of the front bench sat a government Whip, Imogen Walker, who happens to be married to the PM’s chief of staff, Morgan McSweeney. She had to sit there and take a cold note as Clive Efford (Lab, Eltham and Chislehurst) made trouble for No10 insiders. ‘The key question here,’ bellowed Mr Efford, ‘is, who advised the Prime Minister?’ Answer: my hubby.

MPs demanded that Lord Mandelson be investigated by the rozzers. The ministerial code of conduct should be strengthened. An inquiry should look at the vetting his lordship underwent before that silly plonker Starmer made him ambassador to Donald Trump’s Washington. Who knew what, when? Was it not obvious, asked Lincoln Jopp (Con, Spelthorne), that someone might hold ‘kompromat’ on him?

Kim Johnson (Lab, Liverpool Riverside) said: ‘Remove all the privileges from this awful man as soon as possible.’ Alex McIntyre (Lab, Gloucester): ‘Act at pace!’ Do anything but do it quickly, before all of us are contaminated. That living saint Tulip Siddiq (Lab, Hampstead) also saw fit to give the House a brief homily about her own virtues.

Peter Prinsley, a Labour doctor from Bury St Edmunds, diagnosed ‘a self-destruction chip’ in Lord Mandelson’s head. Colleagues were more worried about a self-destruction chip in the current Labour leadership. Two MPs mentioned Lord Doyle, newly ensconced in the Upper House. He used to be Sir Keir’s press spokesman and there are already some awkward questions about him. Dear oh dear.

As it happens, the new Lord Speaker, Lord Forsyth, made his debut on the Woolsack. In the role’s courtly garb he resembled an early-19th-century Protestant preacher. As he made his first formal procession I saw him blow a kiss to an elegant woman. Notebook hot in hand, I rushed to investigate this fresh sex scandal, only to be told that it was his wife.

How very old-fashioned.