As England poked and prodded their way to 213 for eight on the second day in Adelaide, it was tempting to conclude that they have never endured a more dispiriting Ashes tour.

And there have been some proper turkeys. Between their two most recent wins here, in 1986-87 and 2010-11, they lost five series in Australia in succession by a combined score of 18–3. Their previous three visits before this one have added up to 13–0. It's not been a beauty contest.

But none of those trips began with anything like the optimism surrounding this one, none promised a template to tackle Australia like Bazball. After just eight days' cricket, that optimism, and that template, are in tatters.

The only surprise now will be if England avoid a 5–0 whitewash, after which sackings will surely follow, with managing director Rob Key and head coach Brendon McCullum the most obviously vulnerable.

There may even be a time-honoured inquest, as if that will alter the basic fact that England are no closer to discovering a winning formula in Australia under Ben Stokes than they were under Alastair Cook or Joe Root.

Central to their surrender on one of world cricket's truest surfaces was a passive performance that flew in the face of everything they have stood for over the last three-and-a-half years.

Five of their eight wickets were the result of defensive pushes outside off stump, a stroke for which critics of Bazball have continually pleaded, as if it produces a nobler demise than being caught at long-off or deep midwicket.

And that, in turn, raised questions about the mixed messages imparted to the dressing room since the eight-wicket defeat in Brisbane, with Stokes and McCullum pointing out repeatedly that Australia is no place for weak men, and Stokes encouraging his team-mates to locate their inner ‘dog’. That first exhortation unhelpfully placed Australian cricket on a pedestal. The second was just confusing. Here in Adelaide, they batted more like pussy cats.

Encouraged since the middle of 2022 to express themselves and shed the fear of failure, they have suddenly been told to show some fight, to man up. If they are feeling discombobulated, at precisely the moment they should be playing with crystal clarity, it is hard to blame them.

The truth is that England have tried attacking and they’ve tried defending, and neither has worked. Perhaps, against an ageing but battle-hardened and savvy Australian side, they were damned either way. 

Australia, it must be said, bowled beautifully as they set about defending their first-innings 371, with the returning Pat Cummins and Nathan Lyon picking off five wickets as England got into their various tangles.

But they were aided and abetted by English indecision, with Zak Crawley, Ben Duckett, Joe Root, Harry Brook and Will Jacks all falling to shots this regime would once have considered anathema. For the thousands of England fans who have spent their time and money in the hope of witnessing something special, it has all been a crushing disappointment.

The malaise, of course, goes deeper than on-field strategy, and here the management must also take the blame. 

The retention of Crawley as opener, despite his mediocre numbers, has long been justified by the argument that he raises his game when it matters.

Yet this series has brought him 129 runs at 25, and left him with an average as opener of 30. Of the 13 England players who have scored more Test runs than him going in first, the next-lowest average is Mike Atherton’s 39. Already off the pace, Crawley has fallen even further behind.

Then there’s Ollie Pope, who was preferred at No 3 for this series ahead of Jacob Bethell, and has responded with 108 runs at 21. His dismissal here for three, charging at Lyon and flicking to midwicket, would have been a poor shot under normal circumstances. 

With the Ashes at stake and careers on the line, it was dismal.

Thirty-seven England players have scored more than Pope’s 3,715 Test runs, but only four have done so at a lower average than his 34.71. And three of those – Alan Knott, Ian Botham and Andrew Flintoff – had other strings to their bow.

England’s bizarre addiction to Crawley and Pope has been exacerbated by the struggles of Duckett, who batted neatly for 29 before becoming the second victim of Lyon’s comeback over. Duckett now averages 18 in this series, his worst numbers since returning to the side three years ago.

For the top three, it has been an imperfect storm, leaving the middle order with an impossible burden. Root has made one score in five innings, while Brook has not passed 52.

The upshot has been that Stokes, in an effort to display the fight he has demanded from his players, has retreated into a bunker. After blocking his way to 50 off 152 in the second innings at Brisbane, he reached stumps on the second evening in Adelaide on 45 off 151. Of those 303 balls, he has hit only seven for four. 

Dare anyone play a shot while the captain himself has donned the sackcloth and ashes?

We already know what Stokes makes of it all, following his public dressing-down of the team after the Gabba. But their performance here must have induced new levels of despair.

It began in the morning, as Brydon Carse bowled short and wide to Mitchell Starc, who helped himself to a second successive half-century. Jofra Archer, meanwhile, squabbled with his captain about the field, though Archer’s all-round efforts place him above censure.

And it continued with the bat, as 37 without loss became 42 for three, robbing England of their last realistic chance of chipping away at the 2–0 deficit.

Only a miracle can save Stokes’s team now, and then it’s on to Melbourne and Boxing Day, for Australian sport’s grandest event of the year. Good luck to the England fans who have already forked out for that one. They will find a public pretending to crave a competitive series, but ready to dance on English graves.