My wife and I moved into our house 15 years ago. The kitchen is the same as it's been since we moved in and we have quite a lot of stuff, so it's all pretty cluttered. Everything is a bit rough around the edges.
My wife is insistent the whole house needs renovating, inside and out. She says all her friends have immaculate homes, with everything from new sofas to dining tables and luxury freestanding baths.
The problem is, we don't earn as much as some of our friends and can't really afford it. The cost of living is absurd and I don't think we should splurge on non-essentials. We also have two teenagers, so sprucing up the house just isn't a priority for me.
Why are people like my wife so concerned about keeping up with the Joneses? I'm not from the UK, so is this a British thing? What causes people to care so much about what others think about their home?
I'm not sure if I should give in or insist we just don't have the money to transform our home so it resembles her friends' houses.
Jane Denton, of the Daily Mail, replies: Britons are bombarded with images of the 'perfect' home.
Our television screens and phones are awash with renovation shows, videos and posts portraying lavish lives and immaculate properties. Most people's reality, however, is pretty different. Life is messy, and so are many people's homes.
The concept of keeping up with the Joneses is in-built in most of us. But with the financial constraints in your household, a compromise would appear to be the best bet rather than a full-scale renovation, which would be costly and time-consuming.
Focusing only on the areas of the house that need serious attention would be a good place to start, rather than seeking to get everything done all in one go.
I spoke to three experts for their thoughts on your conundrum.
Janet Nuttall, a psychologist and owner of housing development Wellbank Park, says: Many households face the dilemma of balancing the desire for a beautiful home with the reality of budgets and priorities.
The idea of keeping up with the Joneses captures the human impulse to compare ourselves to others.
In Britain, where homes are often seen as a reflection of identity and success, that pressure can feel especially strong. Social media magnifies this further, serving up endless images of pristine kitchens and designer interiors that make our own spaces seem lacking.
Your wife’s feelings are understandable. For many, a well-kept home symbolises care, stability and pride, but comparison is a slippery slope. There will always be someone with a bigger extension, newer furniture or a nicer bathroom. Chasing that ideal can lead to financial strain and stress which can then undermine the very sense of wellbeing a renovation is meant to create.
Instead, consider a more thoughtful approach. True wellness at home isn’t about perfection; it’s about how your space supports your life. Rather than a costly overhaul, start with smaller, intentional changes that make your home feel calmer and more personalised.
A clear space often brings a clear mind, so declutter and simplify. Removing excess can instantly make rooms feel lighter and more spacious.
Have a look at biophilic design and bring the outside in by adding plants, natural textures and daylight as this is proven to boost mood and reduce stress.
A refreshing coat of paint, rearranging furniture or updating soft furnishings can transform a room without draining your savings.
These steps create a sense of renewal without the upheaval – and cost - of a full renovation. They also align with a growing movement towards sustainable, mindful living and valuing what you have and making it work better for you.
Ultimately, your home’s worth isn’t measured by how it compares to your neighbours.
It’s about comfort, connection and peace of mind. Have an open conversation with your wife about what truly matters - a home that feels good to live in and not one that ticks someone else’s boxes.
Danny Zane, founder and director of North London Therapy, says: This situation seems to touch on much more than décor or renovation. It's about belonging, identity, comparison and how we all relate to the concept pf 'home'.
Your description suggests that you and your wife have different emotional relationships with your surroundings.
For you, the house is functional and a lived-in family space that holds history, warmth, and a sense of sufficiency.
For your wife, however, it seems the home represents something more aspirational - perhaps a reflection of self-worth, social standing, or control in a world that feels increasingly uncertain.
When she sees her friends’ immaculate homes, she might not just be comparing furniture; she may be measuring her own sense of success or adequacy.
This dynamic, often captured by the phrase keeping up with the Joneses, isn’t unique to Britain, but it is deeply rooted in many cultures where social comparison plays a role in shaping self-esteem.
Social media, in particular, has amplified this. Images of spotless, beautifully curated homes can subtly reinforce the belief that our environments define who we are.
For some, especially those feeling the pressures of ageing, financial strain, or family transitions, creating a perfect home can offer a sense of order and pride when other aspects of life feel less controllable.
From your point of view, your concern seems grounded in realism and financial prudence.
You recognise the broader pressures of the cost-of-living crisis and want to focus on essentials.
Yet it’s important to note that beneath your wife’s insistence may lie feelings of shame, envy, or even a fear of being judged.
When partners clash over spending priorities, it’s rarely about the money itself. It’s about what the money symbolises: security for one person, self-expression or acceptance for the other.
Therapeutically, this could be a space for open, empathic dialogue rather than debate. Rather than a binary 'renovate or not' question, you could explore compromises such as making one room feel more renewed or organising the space together to reduce the clutter she finds distressing.
Ultimately, this is less about comparing yourselves to others and more about understanding what home means to each of you and how to create a shared environment that reflects both your values and your realities.
Kim Stephenson, a chartered member of the British Psychological Society, says: We see other people enjoying things like plush homes, cars and holidays and feel we ought to have the same and be like them.
We all have a basic desire for status and feel that if we buy that extra status symbol to out-compete our friends or family, then we will be happy.
But evidence suggests materialistic goals can be linked to unhappiness. Always wanting more or what you cannot really afford is not a recipe for a fulfilling life.
In British culture, celebrity is celebrated, 'property porn' is growing and encourages people to have magnificent homes and extravagant lifestyles. With social media, everyone is now bombarded with images of idyllic homes, lives and boasts.
People can choose to impress their friends and neighbours, but have little money left over, or they could use the money they do have to increase their quality of life and ignore what others do. The option selected should be viewed in logical terms, but people are not logical.
We have genes that effectively hard wire our brains. That wiring gets altered and implemented by our environment, the culture we live in, the role models we see, and the events and opportunities we have.
Humans evolved as hunter gatherers. Irrespective of gender, ethnicity or culture, our genes suggest that under threat we fight, run or freeze.
The instinct worked with physical predators, but is no help with a modern creditor. Likewise, we seek status because that helped with finding and keeping a mate, building alliances, securing food and protection. Now it’s not so relevant. But we still all have that wiring that dictates how we act.
Together with your wife, you will have to set priorities and decide what is really worthwhile.
In your case, it sounds as if there’s money for only a limited upgrade at home. Consider focusing on the kitchen and garden as a compromise.
